The Pragmatic, Amazon Prime List Of Baby Stuff That Probably Won't Be On Your Baby Shower Registry

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Quick Hitters Before We Start 

  • I would like to make this a living document - meaning, periodically, I'll update it with more items. 
  • If you click on the photo of the item, it'll take you to Amazon (I couldn't embed products). 
  • Feel free to add items in the comments below.  
  • If you have your own Mommy Blog, I don't care.
  • The opinions and statements in this article do not reflect Tocobaga Consulting, or "Toco Works"  
  • I debated whether to publish this on CigarCityComedy.com. I decided to run this through my company's website because we preach to a lot about the Work/Life Balance to entrepreneurs and small business owners.  I also didn't want to write good jokes for each item.
  • If Amazon wants to show me some love for compiling this list, I won't stop them.  If Amazon wants to pay me or my company to make realistic listicles using only Amazon items, we will be affiliate marketers until our fingers bleed.  For real, Amazon, we'll tell people about Amazon Restaurants as a competitor to Uber Eats.

Thanks, Boo!

Thank my wife, Mona, because she handled all the purchasing and analyzing if these things worked.  Also, she gave birth to our baby.  I am basically the remora fish of our household. 


Car Seat

This was our 2nd or 3rd try at the right car seat for us.  UPPAbaby is expensive for strollers, bases, seats, etc. However, after nerding out on their YouTube channel, the design is pretty amazing.  

The primary reason to spend on this one is if you plan on having more than 1 kid.  If you're reading this, you're probably 


Chill af Sleep Sheep

You'll think it's an expensive stuffed animal that makes white noise (ocean waves, not Chumbawamba) and then Prime this after day 4 of no sleep.


Baby Aquarium That Attaches To The Crib

This is like baby ZZZquil


Forehead Thermometer

You'll use this 4,000 times in the first month


Whoopie Cushion Baby Vibrator 

Put this thing under a Boppy pillow or crib mattress.  I reminds me of the old hotel beds that take quarters to vibrate. 'Member those? No? Well, you know they existed.


Baby Bottles That Don't Suck To Clean

Buy 3 or 4 sets of these.


First Aid Kit

Buy 2-3 for the house and carrier(s). When in doubt, do the opposite of Casey Anthony. 


Baby Grooming

Thank Christ my wife cuts our baby's nails.  My hands sweat profusely and I'm horrible with activities that require finesse. I would make a terrible bomb defuser.


Sleep Sacks

Buy 3-4 of these.  Turn your babies into tiny Hannibal Lectors. 


Rock 'n Play

Your baby will rock itself back and forth. Also, it's easy to remove the cover because your baby will dook in this. 


Booger Bulb

Our baby is stuffed up and basically sounds like a pug.  This helps clear his nostrils enough, but not as good as the next thing.


Advanced Booger Sucker

This booger sucker is better.  When you use it, it will feel like you're siphoning gas. Booger Fuel!


BabyBreeza Bottle Sterilizer (not on Amazon)

I always ask myself, "did we sterilize bottles 20, 30 years ago?" I then conclude that we don't need this gym steam room for baby bottles.  I get the gumption to tell my wife this is stupid and then remember I am the remora fish of the Smith house. 


Battery Chargers and Rechargeable Batteries

All baby stuff takes batteries.  Don't let battery scarcity in the middle of the night drive you to do crazy things...like go the 24hr hood Walmart in the middle of the night.